Preparations for “Forgotten women’s day” were going on and we needed to prepare the list of demands for it.  A fellow activist asked me ‘Didi, think like a sister and let us know the things you want for yourself“. I tried hard but could not, after two minutes pause I said ”I am not able to think for myself because I genuinely feel it is about men not women. It became a joke that she is not able to think like a woman. I smiled and thought what is there to laugh and whom we are fooling, it is about MEN.

Society has a mindset which is generally conservative. It follows a set pattern and does not allow anything new. So where a man talking about WOMAN is acceptable, a woman talking about MEN is not acceptable. Men were amazed, shocked, surprised to hear and read my strong pro men views. I was an activist the day I entered the movement, nobody actually bothered about my case. People thought so what if the brother is no more she has an amazing life – a husband and two lovely kids. This is another conservative mindset that happiness means a woman, a man and two kids.

Deep inside my heart was burning with queries and there was nobody to answer.  I was answering men and counseling men while I myself needed counseling. My gender was a problem which already did lots of damage. After one year of dedicated work and activism Mr. Leader asked me casually one day what is your case and what is the current status.

But by that time I had already came in contact with this man who not only listened to my pain but helped me to come out of it. My gender was not a problem with him, we thought the same way. We noticed problem is not with WOMEN, problem is with MEN.

Give training to men and they will be able to handle everything. I started writing all this and it gave an insecure feeling to many men. I got strong reactions from men when I said men need healing and proper training. Also, there are problems other than the biased laws; men are tortured by their own families. It was not accepted by men because while other women talked about Mothers and Sisters I said problems are created by Mothers and Sisters.

All type of reactions were coming with every thought of mine getting expressed. Insecurity of men was coming out as I was challenging their inherent protector syndrome.  I never judge a man so when reactions started coming I searched the reasons behind it. There was an insecurity that I am trying to lead the movement by giving such thoughts. But my thoughts were not created, they were naturally coming.

When I said do not call me DIDI because that makes you my protector unnecessarily, people thought I am rude. Men are really amazing, they will accept an abusive women but not a woman who is thinking their way. They accepted a woman who basically works for Feminism but shows that she is working with MRM. I was asked why I am not sticking to the Mothers and Sisters agenda. This reaction came because of insecurity; they thought I will become the leader. When a movement leaves the basic ideology it fails. I could see that happening.
As I said men are really amazing, a cheating wife is acceptable for them but a woman sharing sex jokes is not acceptable. My using twitter handle #backingrapist was unacceptable to them. It was to counter the media hype about MSY‘s comment on false rape. Reactions came as a shocker to me, men were asking me whether I am a SLUT and what is my rate for one night! Those men who were talking about respecting women suddenly started insulting a woman (me). Men asked me what if my daughter is raped someday. For a woman who has a three year old daughter it is difficult to react on such things.
I decided to ignore and also analyzed this cheap reaction. The amazing MEN are not in habit of listening to bold truths about themselves by a woman. For them, women are saree clad, simple housewives who abuse them day and night and then keep a fast for their long lives so that they can abuse them more. Also women for them are those ETERNAL VICTIMS women who cry day, night and blame men for everything. A woman like me who says MEN are wonderful and they need to be listened and understood is not acceptable.

When I say I know how to protect myself, men thought I am abusive. I heard this since childhood ”Triya Charitram Purushashya bhagya; Devo na janahi kuto manushya” means  “You can predict the fate/luck of a man for he is outgoing and hardworking but how do you explain the character of women.”  It clearly means it is difficult to understand a woman but I feel it is wrong. It is very difficult to understand a man and that is why men’s studies are needed.

All these saying about women made them eternal victims and they are enjoying this victim hood. Women got the choice to live life as they want means they entered the 21st century but men remained in the 16th century.Woman has the right to choose the role of housewife  but man cannot become a house husband.  He is the protector and provider as he was and one strike on this MANHOOD makes him uncomfortable. Most men have this MISPLACED ASS SYNDROME, when they think how a woman can damage them; after all she is a WOMAN.

For them women is suppressed from ages and men actually suppressed them, in short the FEMINIST men. But when one woman hits them below the belt they get frustrated. And if the man is not able to give back to that woman he gives back to every woman. Many men who could not answer their wives, girlfriends started taking revenge on me, which is a very normal behavior. I was disappointed for a while by these reactions but thought of facing it. So, I stood firmly with all the strong pro men thoughts of mine.

It is time for men to think about themselves that how the conservatism is damaging them, how the traditional roles are killing them. A man has to fight on so many fronts alone so he should focus on himself. Oh men how does it matter if a woman is giving this message!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Amazing!!!
    You have described a Man very easily and truly!
    For me, it was very difficult to portray a man though I am a man and also a journalist.
    Written wonderfully...
    Jay Ho!
    Kuldeep Laheru

  3. I can quite understand what you are saying. The points you have said are very true. Man has to think about himself and focus on himself. What is important is there has to be a society in which a man is able to tell what he feels. But is he able to do that? He wouldn't because he has the fear that he will be judged. He has to show himself to be strong. He could not cry. He has to bury his feelings. He has to really face not only abuse of his wife but also he is ridiculed by his parents and siblings at times. And when he finds no one is there to listen to his point of views, he believes something is wrong with him. This type of false belief causes a lot of damage for him and it affects him heavily. In fact, there is a playful little boy within each man who is childlike and so deep within his heart, each man would like very much to be pampered and he is more so happy when he is pampered by his wife. When will these points be accepted in the society? People are prepared to listen to what a woman has to say. But for a man. He too has fear of rejection as well as fear of engulfment. And that is more so because he never believes he is wonderful and he is fully capable of love. It takes a lot of effort for him to foster this belief because men are ridiculed by everyone including their family members, wife and the neighbors. Some men could be therefore too insecure within and they at times bring stress to themselves trying their own way not to lose you as you have compassion for men.


  5. Thanks for your awesome blog. Your courage and and zeal is inspiring. My 67 year old mom wants to join forgotten woman's association in Uttrakhand/Dehradun if possible. I believe I saw the contact information somewhere but cannot dig it out. Can you please provide. Thanks

    1. I tried to revive AIFWA (all india forgotten women association ) but could not as women did not come forward . Now iam working with confidareindia . www.confidareindia.com.

  6. Jyotiji, the more I hear about the vast spectrum of experiences you have had in your journey as a men's activist, the more your strength, determination & efforts reveal to me. Your work truly shows us the way & is a great source to follow. Keep coming out with flying colors, always, that's what I pray for you.

  7. About gender roles, our society says women don't need to cook for men anymore because they have been doing that throughout centuries. (Case in point: Havells, respect women ad) But they still say things like "You're a man, you need to provide for your family" and "It is your duty as a man to lay down your life for a woman" What rubbish!! Men have also been doing that for centuries. Why no relief for men, unlike women? They are so liberal when it comes to women but conservative when it comes to men.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

नीलम कटारा बनाम फेमिनिस्ट

ABUSIVE WOMEN – world loves them

They say boy's life is easy